Four

Maddie enjoyed helping Brett test the lights for Christmas!

Sweet Maddie. You are now four months old. 1/3 of a year already!

You continue to grow taller and wider every day. At your four month appointment you were nearly 26 1/2" tall and you weighed 17 lbs and 3 oz. This puts you in the 98th percentile for both length and weight. You are a big girl, so most people think you are a lot older than you really are. You are now wearing size 6-9 month clothing and you've been in size three diapers for almost a month.

You're becoming such a great sleeper. You sleep for about 10-11 hours straight at night. The only down side is that you are still quite the night owl and you don't go to sleep until 11:00 or 11:30. Needless to say, Mommy gets a lot done in the morning before you wake up. But, we're still working on getting you to sleep a little earlier each night.

You are a fast eater and you now eat about six times a day. I sometimes wonder if you are getting enough because after eight minutes of eating you are done and ready to play. The pediatrician told us not to worry, "We're obviously not concerned about whether or not she is getting enough calories." Well said Dr. Carter, well said.

If you aren't sleeping or eating, you are most likely laughing. And it's not just a polite "Ha!" You have a full on belly laugh just like I did when I was a baby. You laugh when I laugh. You laugh when we change you. You laugh when you first wake up in the morning. You giggle when we give you baths. You laugh when I touch your feet. You laugh when you see Daddy when he gets home from work. You laugh the hardest when I pretend to nibble your neck. I do my best to enjoy it while I can since I am sure by the time you are a teenager I'm sure you won't find me the slightest bit entertaining.

You can sit on your own for longer periods of time now, but Daddy or I are always close by to catch you just in case your throw yourself back. Although you were rolling over at seven weeks you are now having a bit of a harder time and rarely do it. When I mentioned this to the pediatrician he laughed and explained that your now chunky thighs were the culprit. Not to worry though, it just takes a bit more strength to move that weight around which will come as you get older and continue to practice.

You love your johnny jump up and play mat. Your favorite toys are your loud pink paper and O'ball. You are now starting to occasionally take a Binky around bedtime and nap time. We don't think it's so much the sucking you enjoy as much as you just enjoy having something in your mouth. We're pretty sure you are teething. You are drooling a ton and you love to gnaw on anything we give you (and anything you can reach).

You love to do what we call "baby sit-ups". You stretch your legs out in front of you and raise them off the ground and then lift your head and shoulders off the ground, holding your breath and crunching your little abs. Add your sly little smile and it makes for the cutest and funniest sight.

We love watching you grow up baby girl. But couldn't you just slow down a little bit?

Snow Day

Today wasn't the first snow of the year, but it was the first time Madeline really saw snow. When we walked outside with her, she squinted and scrunched her nose as she fought to see through the brightness. After a few minutes she got a big grin on her face as she looked all around at the world covered in white.

She couldn't take her eyes away from the snow. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

We were both awestruck. 

Leg Warmers

Happy November!

Happy Halloween!

 Happy Halloween!

From our hive

to yours.

 

About the Costumes:
Maddie's bee costume was a gift. It's a 6-9 month costume, but we figured we'd still try to use it for Halloween. It fit her perfectly, if not a little snugly, which is a shock since she is 3 1/2 months old!

I came up with some last minute beekeeper costumes using straw hats, work gloves, and insect netting we use for Maddie's car seat and stroller. The only purchase made were the mobile bees and bees stickers from Michaels. SCORE!

Three

You are three months old Madeline. Why do you insist on growing so fast? I feel that at any moment I'm going to turn around and you'll be walking, riding a bike, or driving.

At three months you are full of smiles and giggles. You are so expressive. When you smile your entire face lights up. From behind, I can tell that you are smiling by the way the top of your head looks. Your family and friends can't help but smile when they see you. You brighten everyone's day.

You love talking.  We can't really understand what you are saying yet, but we know you are pretty passionate about whatever it is. We ask you questions and you respond as if you know what we're talking about. You love making sounds and mimicking Daddy and me. You especially love to say "Oooowaaaah!"

We're reading Harry Potter now because a nurse told me that novels are best for babies your age. You love watching me while I read and I can see you moving your mouth and tongue trying to figure out how to make new sounds.

You are a big girl and you keep growing and growing. You are 16 lbs and around 25 1/2 inches long. You are wearing size two diapers and six month clothing. Some 3-6 month outfits fit while others can't stretch long enough or wide enough for you.

We're not sure what color your eyes are going to be but at the moment they are still light. We think you may beat the odds and have blue eyes rather than the hazel eyes that Daddy and I have.

You sleep for six-seven hours at night and then fall right back to sleep for another three hours after I feed you. Thanks for being such a great sleeper!

You are getting stronger and stronger everyday. You can sit on your own for short bits of time and you love standing up on daddy's lap. You are starting to use the Johnny Jump Up that Grandma Birkeland gave you. You're not jumping a lot yet, but you love being able to stand and twirl.

You have the happiest laugh. You laugh the most when we play peek-a-boo or when you first wake up in the morning.

We love your playful spirit.

2 Months

It wasn't until I was driving to the pediatrician's office that it hit me that Madeline is no longer a newborn. As of four days ago she is two months old.

Madeline has grown up a lot in two months. When she was born she weighed 8 lbs 13 oz and was 22 inches long.

Now Madeline weighs a solid 13 lbs 10 oz. And she's long too! She is now over 24" long. For height and weight she is around the 97th percentile for her age.

She is now wearing size 3 month clothing and size 2 diapers. 

Our pediatrician kept on remarking on how strong she is for her age.

"Wow, she is strong." He kept saying as he tried to check her hips. She kept pushing against him and he continued to repeat over and over how strong she was.


"I don't know if I've seen a two month old with this kind of strength before!"

And it's true. She really is a strong girl. At seven weeks she turned from her stomach to her back and during tummy time she easily lifts her head up and pushes off with her legs. She's even already scooting a bit.

Madeline is quite the mommy and daddy's girl. She loves being held and telling stories. Even though she's only cooing, we make sure to give her our undivided attention and talk back, otherwise she gets offended.

She smiles all the time now and is even starting to laugh!

Madeline loves reading books and hearing songs. She smiles the biggest when I sing Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree and The Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Brett and I are trying to savor this time as much as we can. We can't believe how fast the last two months flew by and we're starting to realize that people were right when they said that she'd grow up in the blink of an eye.

I wish it were possible to stop blinking.

Lazy Morning

And that was the beginning of fairies...

Late last night Brett and I were playing with Maddie before bed when we heard the beginnings of a chuckle. Maddie's been working on laughing for the last few weeks. I took out the camera to film her silly half laugh when she laughed for real.

Is there a happier sound in the world?

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies." 

-J.M. Barrie

Madeline's Birth Story: Part III

Click here to view Madeline's Birth Story: Part I 

Click here to view Madeline's Birth Story: Part II

 Madeline's Birth Story Part III: The Hospital

Day 5 
(July 14th, 2011)

Brett and I drove hand in hand to Intermountain Medical Center. As we drove closer and closer to the hospital I could feel my dream birth slipping farther away from me. The drive was emotional, but as we pulled into the parking lot I reminded myself that the natural water birth at the birth center I had envisioned for nine months was not possible and that a hospital birth was my new reality. I decided I was going to embrace the reality.

Our birth assistant Adrianna followed us inside and started getting us signed in. Our midwife had called ahead so they were expecting us and already had my records and a room ready. However, my initial reaction to the hospital was not a good one.

"Where is this one going?" the woman at the front desk asked another woman behind her.

"Oh that one? I'm not sure." I realized that I was the "one" they were referring to and was surprised they didn't use my first name since it was in the paperwork she was holding in her hand.

"That one's going to room 116." I realize it may be odd to expect to be called by my first name, but while I was at the birth center I had a personal relationship with each woman in the group. I realize that a hospital cannot be that personal, but that moment was my first realization that a hospital experience really would be different than what I had planned.

She typed some more on her computer and started asking questions, "What is your due date?"

"July 1st."

The receptionist raised her eyebrow, pursed her lips and glanced at the other receptionist nearby. I was two weeks overdue. She didn't bother to hide her judgment. I tried to act like I hadn't noticed.

She made a copy of my insurance card and I signed a few papers.

"Alright, you are all set." She motioned to the woman behind her, "Will you show this one to her room?"

After I set down my things and got settled my nurse came in. After my bad experience with the receptionist I was worried about how I would be treated by the nurses and doctors. But as soon as the nurse came in I knew I was going to be treated well. Her name was Mindy. She was cheerful and sweet and made me feel comfortable. Although I am sure she had many other patients she treated me as if I were her only one. Mindy handed me a hospital gown and told me she'd be back soon.

As soon as the nurse left and I had changed into my hospital gown, Adrianna, my birth assistant, asked me if I had eaten anything. I shook my head.

"Do you have anything in your bag? You're going to want to eat something now because once they come in here they are going to cut you off."

Brett grabbed me a granola bar and fruit snacks. I quickly ate the fruit snacks and threw the granola bar into my mouth just as the nurse came back in. I turned the other way and chewed as fast as I could. I took a giant hard swallow just as my nurse got over to the bed.

Adrianna was right, as soon as she came in Mindy asked, "So when was the last time you ate something?"

"Pretty recently." I replied. Brett and I shared a sneaky glance and I held back a chuckle as I could see Brett was trying not to laugh.

"Okay, well we want you to only have clear fluids from now on."

She checked me to see my progress. I obviously didn't have my hopes up considering I hadn't progressed for well over sixteen hours. And I was right. Everything was the same.

She told me to get comfortable and that the midwife would be in shortly. I was so excited that I was transferred to the care of the midwives. I felt that the midwife and I would likely see eye to eye and I'd be able to still hold on to a lot of my birth plan.

Shortly after the nurse left she returned with a petite dark haired woman. She looked confident and relaxed and she wore a wide smile.

"Hello Haley, I'm Melissa your midwife. I understand you were planning to have a natural birth center birth. So what brings you here today?"

I told her about how I had been in labor for days without much progress. "We've exhausted all of our natural options. I've tried tinctures, herbs, acupressure, breast pumping, and I've had my membranes swept." I told her that after exhausting all the natural options my midwives transferred me to the hospital so that I could get Pitocin. I told her that my contractions were consistent and two to three minutes apart but that I still wasn't dilating. "I'm exhausted and I admit I'm a bit discouraged. We're here because we need help, and the hospital offers things that we just can't get at the birth center."

She listened intently and commented on my strength for working for so hard for so long. After I finished the story she sat down on the bed near my feet and spoke openly. "So I know that a hospital birth is not what you were planning or expecting. So it's likely that a lot of what we are going to be doing today wasn't in your original plan. However, we are going to do everything we can to still honor your birth plan and help you achieve your goals. Overall I would assume that having a successful vaginal birth is your top priority?"

"Yes."

"Okay. So here's what I propose. I completely agree with your midwives that the most important thing for you is rest. You are exhausted after days of labor and you still have a long way to go. I would hate for you to be in labor for days and end up with a c-section because you are too exhausted to push.  That would be a waste after all your hard work. So I propose that we start you on Pitocin to help you dilate, obviously, that's what you came in for. And I would also like to start you on an epidural so that you can get the rest you need."

I started crying because I didn't want to get an epidural but at the same time I was so exhausted and I knew it was the right thing to do. My birth assistant made me feel a lot better about the possibility of an epidural. She told me that while I was strong enough to get through the contractions, sleep would help me to accomplish my most important goal of my birth plan, to have a vaginal birth.

At the hospital with my birth assistant Adrianna

They started the Pitocin through my IV and put me on the fetal monitors. They told me they would start me at four units of Pitocin and increase it every hour or so until I start responding to it.

"We never go over 20 units, and since you are already in labor four units should do it." My nurse told me.

Getting the epidural was easy and quick. My birth assistant and mom left to get me some ice chips and by the time they were back it was done. It felt a little weird but compared to the shot of morphine I had a few days earlier it felt like nothing. As soon as the epidural started to work I fell sound asleep.

..................

I woke up a few hours later panicked. I didn't remember coming to the hospital and I was scared when I couldn't feel my legs. Had I given birth? Where was my baby? I looked around the room for Brett but he wasn't there. My mom was there and she helped calm me down. Brett had just gone to get lunch from the cafeteria. She had to remind me why we were in the hospital, that I was on Pitocin and that I had an epidural which was why it was hard to move. Being reminded of what was going on made me mourn the loss of my natural birth again and then I reminded myself to stay positive.

My mom turned on the TV for me and put on my favorite classic movie, Roman Holiday. I don't remember watching much of it, but it was fun to have it on in the background. When Brett returned I felt much better.

Nurses continued to come in and check up on me. I wasn't allowed to have food, but I could have clear fluids. I sent Brett and my mom to get me chicken broth, jello, and flavored ice-cubes from the food station often. Even though I wasn't allowed to "eat" I definitely snacked a lot on what I was allowed to consume.

My brother came over during his lunch break and rubbed my feet. When he and his wife had their first baby it didn't go according to plan and Mike was able to say just the right things to make me feel better about our change in plans.

That afternoon my midwife came in to check me. It had been about six hours since I had been admitted and started the Pitocin. I was fully effaced, Madeline was at a +1 station still, but I was still only dilated to a three.

She suggested that we break my water to see if that would help move things along.

Artificial rupture of membranes was a big NO on my birth plan and I knew that the second I let them break my water I would be on a time crunch to have the baby. I vocalized this to my midwife and she understood, but also reminded me that I was already on a time crunch because of how long I had been in labor and that breaking my water may help things progress. She let me know that the OBs were keeping tabs on me and were worried I hadn't progressed even with the use of Pitocin. She said that by letting her break my water I would buy myself more time.

I bargained with her and bought myself even more time. I said no for now, and we decided that if in a few more hours I hadn't progressed we'd talk about it again.

She came in a couple hours later and there was still no progress. This time I let her break my water. I was concerned about cord prolapse, but Madeline's head was so low that it wasn't possible. Brett held my hand and we prepared for my water to break.

She took a small plastic hook and moved things around a bit.

"Okay, it's done." She said.

It seemed as if nothing had happened. Brett looked and saw there was a slight amount of fluid.

"That's it?" Brett said. "I was expecting something exciting like a huge gush."

"Well the good news is that it's clear!" The midwife said.

I was relieved that there was no concern about meconium. That was the best news I'd had in days.

That evening Brett and I played games. We played would you rather and the "year game". For the year game Brett would give me an age/year and I would tell him a story about me when I was that age. We had a blast visiting. We also visited with our moms. I noticed as we were talking that the nurses kept coming in and were talking about the amount of pitocin I was on.

"Are you sure it's okay to up it?"

"Yes we called the manufacturer and talked to Dr. Brown."

Apparently they were going over the usual twenty units.

As the day went on the nurses came in more frequently to check me. Each time the news was the same. 100% effaced, +1 station, dilated to a three. "Three" was once my favorite number, but it quickly became my least favorite as time went on.  The best news we received was that our daughter was happy as could be and continued to have a great heart rate through the entire ordeal. It was a relief to know that she was safe and healthy.

I asked my nurse when I would know that I was making progress. She said that bleeding would be a good sign because that would mean I was dilating. She also said she wouldn't be surprised if once I did start dilating it went fast.

"A lot of women who have slow labors from a 1-4 actually transition very quickly."

I hoped that would be me. 

Around eleven o' clock I started feeling nauseous and vomiting. I was also shivering. My nurse came in to make sure things were going well and noted that I was bleeding. "These are all good signs of progress" she said. I remembered what I had read in my birthing class about transition and this seemed like textbook. Am I transitioning already? I wondered. The shaking and vomiting continued for an hour. I'm going to have this baby tonight I thought to myself.

Day 6

My nurse said that the midwife would be in by midnight to check me, but there was a birth going on so it took longer than planned. I kept checking the clock and waiting eagerly for her to come. 12:15 came and went then 12:30. Based on my symptoms I had to be dilated to an eight by now. I was in pain. I could feel the contractions but didn't want to push the button to increase the epidural. I wanted to be able to feel as much as I could and to be able to move my legs so that I could feel as I was pushing. I couldn't wait to finally hear my midwife give me good news.

Finally around 12:45 she came in. I told her proudly that I had been vomiting, bleeding, and had the shakes.

"That's a great sign." She said while she put on her rubber gloves.

She went to check me.

As she was checking me I could see the look of disappointment on her face. She continued to check me much longer than before. I could sense she was trying to buy herself some time. Okay, so maybe I am still a three. I thought to myself. When she was finished checking me she took off her gloves and shook her head. I knew it was bad news.

"Fully effaced, +2 station."

I waited to hear how far I was dilated.

"You are now less than a two."

What? How was that possible! I thought to myself. My midwife was incredibly sensitive and came over to hold my hand. She looked like she was going to cry.

"We've hit a wall Haley. Your cervix is swollen and exhausted. It's been working for days and these strong Pitocin contractions have been hitting it hard. I told you earlier that we never go more than 20 units of Pitocin. Right now you are at 38 units. We've never had a mom on that much Pitocin."

She continued to tell me this was a flukey thing and that it wasn't my fault I wasn't dilating.

"We've done everything that we can and you've worked so hard. These things just happen sometimes."

She let me know she had to go out in the hall for a bit but that she'd be back soon.

She returned with a group of people and a woman who introduced herself as Dr. Melissa Brown.

"This is Dr. Brown. She will be performing your c-section today."

The midwife, doctors, and nurses kept talking to me and giving me sympathetic looks but I don't remember anything they said. My mind wandered as I tried to accept this new development.

I had done everything in my power to avoid a c-section. I chose a provider with a c-section rate below 5%. A far cry from the national average of 34%. I ate well, I stayed active during my pregnancy, and I worked hard to become educated about childbirth and my options. I didn't induce labor, I tried every natural method of encouraging my cervix to dilate, I used the necessary interventions when we realized the natural methods weren't working, and here I was being prepped for surgery.

It was even more difficult to realize that I didn't have a choice in the matter. Up to this point I was able to choose between different options.  I chose to not induce labor when I was over a week late. I chose to try all the natural options to help my cervix progress and dilate. I chose to have Pitocin when those natural options didn't work. I chose to let them break my water when Pitocin wasn't quite doing to trick. Now I was out of options. There was no "or". Having a c-section was my newest reality.

Once the doctors and nurses left, my mom and mother in law stepped out so that Brett and I could have some time alone. Again, this is another one of those times I wish I had recorded exactly what Brett said to me. All I really remember is that Brett held my hand while I cried. My tears were both of sadness and relief. We had a wonderful moment together. We were sad, yes, yet were so happy and excited that after days of working to get her here we would finally meet our baby girl. Even though I was sad that I was having a c-section after planning a completely intervention free childbirth, I felt calm and accepted what was happening. I couldn't wait to meet my little girl and finally give her a name. We had a list of names we liked, but we didn't get attached to any of them. So we decided to wait to name her till we met her. Through the pregnancy we just referred to her as "baby girl". 

The nurses came back in with the goofy looking "Daddy scrubs" for Brett to change into. My mom called my brother and my dad so that they could come and help Brett give me a Priesthood blessing before I went into surgery. They got there just after the anesthesiologist had come in to prep me for surgery.

Brett did a wonderful job giving me the blessing and I felt a wonderful calming spirit in the room. I felt so happy that my husband was a worthy priesthood holder and could give me a blessing of comfort and healing.

When the blessing was finished I said goodbye to my family and they wheeled me into the operating room. In one hand I held Brett's strong hand, in the other were my birth beads from The Birth Center. As we neared the operating room Brett could sense I was starting to get worried.

"Remember the words of the blessing Haley." I calmed down a bit as I remembered the words Brett had said.

As we got into the operating room I started to worry again. I imagined them cutting me open and seeing my insides. I started to feel sick.

Sensing my discomfort Brett said, "Think about your trigger word Haley."

While I was pregnant, Brett and I had practiced a bit of hypnotherapy. For this particular technique, you practice deep relaxation and pick a "trigger word". You focus your energy on that word and it helps to relax you. My word was "temple" because the temple is a place that I feel calm. But as I laid on the operating table, the only word that came to mind was "Madeline."

Madeline. I thought to myself.

I instantly felt calm.

Madeline. 

The anesthesiologist did a few tests to check that I was numb. Once it was clear that the anesthesia was working he said, "Are you ready for them to make the first cut?"

"Yes."

"Good, because they already did it."

I laughed a bit because I hadn't felt a thing.

Then I started feeling tugging and pulling. It wasn't uncomfortable, but knowing what was going on made me feel a bit worried. It was strange to realize that beyond the blue cloth, surgeons and nurses were looking at my insides. Brett could see the worry on my face.

"Haley look at me."

I looked him in the eyes and I could tell he was smiling. I couldn't help but smile back.

"You'd doing such a great job. Just a few more minutes and we'll meet our little girl."

I felt so lucky to have Brett there with me. He knew just what to say and do to help me feel better.

"Okay you're going to feel a lot of pulling and tugging down."

Two nurses pushed hard on my ribs. I could feel a lot of movement and tugging. Then I heard it. A beautiful raspy cry like the bay of a lamb.

"Here she is!"

Relief and joy flew out of me in the form of tears and joyful sobs. Brett kissed me and squeezed my hand as if saying Great work honey!

She was finally here.

Brett went to see her as they wiped her off and weighed and measured her.

"She's beautiful!" was all he could say. And he said it over and over again.

One of the nurses gave us her stats.

"She's a big girl! 8 lbs 13 oz and 22 inches long. "

Brett took a picture of her and brought it over for me to see.

I wished they would hurry and bring the real thing over.

Finally they wrapped her up and brought her to me. I turned my head and met eyes with my beautiful daughter. Though I had envisioned having immediate skin to skin contact with my baby, this moment was still incredible. She was amazing. She looked so calm and happy. I kissed her over and over again and told her how much I loved her.

"So does this beautiful girl have a name?" The nurse asked us.

"Yes." I looked at her and then at Brett. "I think it's Madeline."

Brett smiled, "I think so too."

...........

Our visit couldn't last long. After a couple minutes Madeline had to go to the NICU. Just before the c-section I had a fever and when Madeline was born she had a fever as well. They were concerned about a possible infection because I had been in labor for so long, so they had to give Maddie an IV. Brett left with Madeline after asking me where he should be. Without question I wanted him with our baby girl. He kissed me again on the forehead before he left with the nurses to the NICU.

Laying on the operating table for another thirty minutes while they stitched me up was almost unbearable. If I'd had any ability to jump up and run down to the NICU I would have. I tried to distract myself as they stitched me up. I'm sure I annoyed the surgeons as I asked over and over again how much longer it would take. They were very polite and understanding and gave me updates as they stitched each layer of tissue they had cut through.

Finally they were finished. They wheeled me into the recovery room where I immediately prepared for my "skin to skin" contact with my baby girl. I took off my gown and waited for Maddie to come back from the NICU. I texted Brett over and over again and asked him if he could hurry. Though Brett couldn't control how long it was taking he was sweet and understanding. He texted me photos of her in the NICU and kept me updated on how much longer they would be.

After another half an hour or so the door opened and Brett came in with Maddie.

He unwrapped her from all the blankets they had bound her in and set her on my chest.

It was in this moment, holding my beautiful daughter in my arms with my husband at my side, that I knew it had all been worth it.

Madeline's Birth Story: Part II

Click here to view Madeline's Birth Story: Part I 

The Birthing Suite at The Birth Center

Day 4

It was best night's sleep I'd had in days, but it was an odd sleep. I was still very aware that I was having contractions, but the sensation was completely different. At times I would wake in the middle of the night feeling particularly strong contractions but I was able to fall back to sleep immediately. I also had the oddest dreams I've ever had in my life, though I don't remember any of them. I was in a strange sleep/wake/dream state through the entire evening, but at 6:30 am I woke feeling more rested than I had in days.

I forced myself to stay in bed until 8:30am. Though I couldn't fall back to sleep because the medication had worn off, I did my best to rest, relax, and attempt to ignore the contractions. After days of labor I was well aware of the fact that labor is a marathon and not a sprint and that I needed to save my energy if I was going to be successful with our birth plan. The medication had slowed my contractions down a bit to about 4-5 minutes apart, and I was grateful for the extra rest time between contractions.

We ate breakfast and sometime after 10:00am we drove back to the birth center. I was eager to be checked and was sure that ten hours after being checked the last time that I must have dilated. But on the drive over I tried to prepare myself for the possibility that I hadn't dilated more.

I said to Brett, "If I'm still a two let's not be discouraged, deal?"

Brett smiled and said, "Deal."

My midwife checked my vitals and hooked me up to the fetal monitors for a few minutes to make sure our little girl was handling the contractions well. She was doing great.

"Okay, let's see how far you've progressed."

She checked me.

I was still a two. After days of labor I was only a two.

I tried to smile and be optimistic. My midwife could sense my frustration.

"Well we're going to start you on our natural induction plan today. It's great because you are already having good contractions, it seems we just need to strengthen them so you will dilate. We'll start by giving you a stronger dose of the homeopathics you have already been taking. Then we'll have you drink a blue and black cohosh tincture and use a breast pump. Both of these will help to strengthen contractions. Midwives have used these natural methods for centuries and we've had a lot of success here at our practice."

I was feeling a bit better. "Great, let's get started!"

She gave me my first round of homeopathics. After I finished taking them she asked me, "Have you eaten today?"

"Breakfast this morning."

"Well it's about noon now. Why don't you head out and get some lunch. There is a great Mediterranean restaurant nearby. Get something packed with protein while you are still in the mood to eat."

Lunch was incredibly delicious. We took our time and split two entrees. I was still in a strange labor land state and kept asking Brett if he felt numb or weird like I was feeling. I don't know why I thought he might feel the same way, but I kept asking him anyway. The restaurant was pretty empty and we were able to find a cozy quiet corner where I could get in touch with my inner-Buddhist monk/ mother bear and not frighten other people trying to eat in peace.

When we got back to the birth center we started the blue and black cohosh. It tasted about as delicious as an old sock, but I didn't mind too much. I liked taking it during contractions to give me something to think about. The contraction took my mind off the gross taste and the gross taste took my mind off the contraction.  I labored on the birth ball leaning against the bed between doses. I also liked standing and swaying during the contractions. I felt like I got the most out of a contraction that way and I hoped that using gravity would help open my cervix.

We brought a mini-DVD player with us and a few movies. Brett put on two of them. I only remember the first two minutes of 17 Again. Apparently we also watched Letters to Juliet, but I don't remember one bit of that. The contractions were growing a lot stronger and it was hard to focus on much of anything besides just getting through each contraction and preparing my body for the next.

Labor is a strange thing. I felt completely aware and focused on my body while also feeling as if I wasn't connected to my body.  Time seemed to pass faster than sound at times, while the five-ten seconds at the peak of a contraction could feel like days.

After a couple hours we started using the breast pump. The stimulation causes a natural release of oxytocin (the human body's natural Pitocin). Wow! I was shocked at how intense my contractions got once I started pumping.

Sometime that afternoon my midwife checked me. I held my breath praying for good news.

"You are a three!"

 I admit, I hoped that I was dilated to a four or five by now, but mostly I was so relieved that I was finally dilating.

We continued the doses of the tincture and using the breast pump. My contractions were strong and regular. After I finished eight doses of the tincture, our midwife suggested that we go continue to labor at home where we could be more comfortable and eat some food. She told us she would stay at the birth center because she planned on us coming back that evening to have the baby. We left our bags and just took a few laboring basics back home with us.

We went home and ate something, and again this whole part is completely hazy because I was so exhausted and so focused on laboring. I spent so much time laboring at home and the days seem to blend together. I know I showered a few times while I was home (the shower was another great coping method). We ate, though I don't remember what, and the only thing I really remember about this part of the labor was that Brett was always right there within arms reach to help me through each contraction. 

We tried to go to bed at eleven but I mostly just laid there trying to work through the contractions. I got up and took another two or three showers. The contractions continued to get more and more intense and sometime after midnight I told Brett I was ready to go back in to the birth center.

I was so exhausted from all the laboring that I was starting to hallucinate. I was in a dreamlike state at all times. Brett told me afterwords that while driving over I was speaking gibberish and saying random words out of nowhere during and between contractions. He said it was like I was talking in my sleep.

When we got to the birth center my midwife made sure we were comfortable and I labored for a bit before she checked me again.

"You are doing so great Haley. This is a fantastic pattern. You may just have this baby tonight. Let's check to see how close you are."

She checked me.

I was still a three.

"Don't get discouraged Haley. For a lot of first time moms the first four centimeters are the hardest to get to and from there on it goes fast. But we are back to the predicament we were in last night. You are exhausted and we want you to rest so you have the energy you need for later in labor. So I am going to fill up the birthing tub. Usually we don't put women into the birthing tub till they have progressed a bit further, but the water will help you relax so you can rest between the contractions."

She filled the tub with hot water and turned on the jets. I climbed in and immediately felt relief. It was amazing to be in the water. I definitely understood why they call the birthing tub the "birth center epidural". Brett pulled over a chair and held my hand through the night. As the contractions began to get stronger and stronger I turned to my side and put my ear under water to focus on the sounds of the jets. There were jets on either side of my body, so when I turned one jet pushed against my stomach and the other pushed against my back. It eased the pain tremendously and I was able to get into a good rhythm of resting and working through contractions in the tub. My birth assistant Adrianna came in around 2:00am and gave me additional verbal and physical support through the contractions.

Around 3:30 I got out of the tub and Brett and I tried to rest in the bed. During the contractions Brett would push on my back with a heating pad and offer words of encouragement. My birth assistant told me afterwords that I would work through the contractions and then snore loudly till the next one came on. My contractions were 2-3 minutes apart so that gave me 1-2 minutes of rest between each one. I was so relaxed (and exhausted) that I could fall asleep for those short periods of time.

The midwife and birth assistant took turns checking my vitals through the night and used a doppler to check on Madeline. It was so nice to not be hooked up to anything and to move freely while at the birth center. The midwife could check on the baby no matter what laboring position I was in and since it was waterproof they could check me in the tub as well.

At 6:00am my midwife came in to check how far I had progressed. It had been over five hours since they had checked me last and I remember repeating the word "open" in my head over and over and over.

I waited to hear the news.

"You are about 95% effaced now. +1 station, so this baby is really eager to get out."

She hesitated. "And you are still dilated to a three."

My heart sank. I had worked all through the night without progress. As a matter of fact I had labored for well over 16 hours without progress. I tried not to cry which became harder and harder the more she talked.

"Here are our options. Again, we are concerned about you being so exhausted. You labored very well through the night but without good sleep. Your body is working very hard to have this baby and it has for days. When labor is long and slow like this your body needs rest, which is hard to get because your contractions are so intense and close together. So our first option is that we can give you another injection like we did two nights ago. You can rest at home for a while and then come back and we'll go for another round of the homeopathics and pumping like we did yesterday.

"The downside is that tomorrow is your 42 week mark when we would transfer your care to the hospital, and there is no guarantee this baby will come today. Also, if the cohosh and pumping didn't work the first time it's likely that it won't work the second time."

"What's our other option?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.

"The other option is to transfer your care to the hospital. Our natural labor stimulators are only so strong. You need something stronger, Pitocin, to help encourage this labor along and if you choose, possibly an epidural so that you can rest."

I started crying the moment I heard the word "transfer". I had become so attached to the idea of a natural water birth that it was incredibly hard to let go of that dream. Brett held me close, my midwife grabbed my hand.

"Haley, I know that this isn't what you had in mind for your labor and delivery. You have been so strong and worked so hard, but you just need a bit of help that we cannot offer here at the birth center. In your situation the safest option is for you to go to the hospital."

"We'll step out of the room and let you two talk about it."

As soon as they closed the door behind them I started sobbing. Brett held me while I cried.

"I tried so hard," I wept, "I feel like such a failure."

I wish I could remember word for word every wonderful thing Brett said to me over the course of my labor. This moment is one of the top moments I wish I had recorded what Brett said to me. All I can say is that I was in a state of pure anguish and defeat, and Brett said just the right thing to make me feel as if I were the strongest most spectacular woman in the world. Though this was one of the hardest parts of the entire labor, this was also one that I look back with fondness. I wanted a natural birth because I felt it was an experience that would bring Brett and me closer together. This moment that we shared together brought us closer than I ever could have imagined. 


We already knew that we needed to go to the hospital, but we still talked about it together. Again, we agreed that we completely trusted our midwife and that if she thought that we needed to go to the hospital and use Pitocin that that was what we would do. Though our goal was to have a completely intervention free birth, we were also very open minded and understood that certain interventions are useful and necessary in birth. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard to let go of our birth center birth. I wish I could express how difficult this decision was for us. It wasn't difficult to make the decision to go to the hospital, but it was very difficult to let go of our dream birth, especially after days of laboring.

My midwife called ahead to the hospital and got everything set up for us. She also told us that our birth assistant would accompany us to the hospital and help us get settled. Brett packed up our bags and loaded our car.

I hugged my midwife.

"You are one of the strongest women I know." She whispered to me.

I started crying again but I was able to thank her for all of her help.

And just like that we said goodbye to The Birth Center and were on our way to the hospital.

Adrianna (Birth Assitant), Madeline & Me, and Becky (Midwife)

Coming Soon

Madeline's Birth Story: Part III

The Hospital

Madeline's Birth Story: Part I

Day 1 

I woke up at 3:00 am on Sunday, July 10th with contractions every 8-10 minutes apart. I tried not to get too excited because the day before we had been faked out by the baby. That day I had contractions for over twelve hours that got down to about six minutes apart, but they eventually fizzled out as the day grew hotter.

But this time, the contractions stayed all day long.

By 5:30pm the contractions were 6 minutes apart.

By 8:30pm they were 5 minutes apart.

At 1:00am they were 3-4 minutes apart, lasting 60-75 seconds and very strong. At 1:30am I had Brett call my midwife to let her know how I was progressing. She got me on the phone and talked with me through some contractions. After a brief chat, she said we should come in to the birth center within the next hour to two.

At 3:00am we went to our birth place to check things out. My midwife checked my vitals, checked the cervix, checked the baby's heart rate. Everything looked beautiful. Baby was low, 0 station. My cervix was 80% effaced. But I was only dilated to a 1 1/2. My midwife was very positive and supportive and reminded me that everything my body had been doing the last few days hadn't been for nothing. She reminded us that early labor can last a long time and not to get discouraged.

"Do you think you can go home and sleep? Getting some rest will be the best thing for you right now so you have the energy you need during active labor."

I said yes, but I wasn't sure I could.

I got home, showered, drank some chamomile tea, got into a few labor positions that help slow things down, showered (again), and prayed... a lot.  Finally the contractions spaced out enough that I could rest well between and during them. I ended up sleeping on a lazy boy with a heating pad on my back. That was the only way I could get the contractions mild enough to sleep through.

Day 2

The next morning I decided not to time the contractions and to just try to rest. Brett headed off to teach at 7:00am, after only getting about two hours of sleep. I was able to sleep well for about four hours, before the contractions were back to being too strong to sleep through.

When Brett got home that afternoon I ordered Pizza Hut pizza and we ate in bed. The entire day just turned into a lazy day and I really don't remember much of it because I was just working through contractions. Besides taking a short walk we mostly hung around the house. I showered about a dozen times, lounged around in my bathrobe, watched movies on Netflix (honestly don't remember any of them), ate snacks, and worked through the contractions.  

My midwife told me to call her when there was a "significant change" in the strength of the contractions. Though I stayed in a pattern of having contractions every 4-5 minutes, there wasn't a "significant change". The night before she had told us about "labor land". She said that Brett would know it was time to go in again when I was in labor land. 

"Labor land is a place that only Haley has the passport to. Even when she isn't having a contraction she will be there. She will be there in front of you, but she won't really be there. When she's in labor land come back in."

I tried my best to sleep though my contractions but didn't have much success. I was able to "sleep" between contractions, I'd wake up and work though the contraction, and then fall asleep again. Brett and my Mom took turns supporting me though the night.

Day 3

On Tuesday we had our 42 week appointment with my midwife. Our 42 week mark was coming in a few days so we were now getting down to crunch time. 

We did another non-stress test for the baby and checked out the fluid levels via ultrasound. It was nice that I was having contractions because we could see how our baby was responding to them. She was a champ. Becky said our baby girl was safe and sound, but that we needed to start some more intense methods of encouraging her along. We planned to go in the next day at 9:00am to start our "eviction plan" using natural methods.

Before I left she checked me again. This time I was 90% effaced, 0 station, and I was still at 1 1/2. I was relieved that I had effaced more, but I was a bit discouraged that after two days of consistent contractions I hadn't dilated. My midwife, Becky, suggested that we sweep my membranes to help strengthen the contractions a bit. After a discussion about the risks we agreed.

Becky said she'd see us in the morning, if not sooner. 

I really hoped it would be sooner.

After the appointment Brett took me to The Olive Garden for a late lunch. As the bowl of salad and basket of bread sticks were emptied, my contractions grew stronger and stronger. 

We dropped by the grocery store to pick up some more labor snacks. As Brett and I walked through the store I had to pause every few minutes to work through my contractions. 

After days of labor I had developed a few coping methods. One was that I would hold a long continuous low moaning note as I would exhale. It was almost Buddhist monk esque.  It came naturally and helped me cope. I remembered what my birth instructor had taught me, to keep all noises low and "mother bear" like rather than high sounds that tend to make one tense. I worked to ride the waves of the contraction, curious of the pain, while also having an almost out of body experience until it was over. I also tried to look at the labor as a really intense workout. Like a workout, labor has moments of rest and recuperation. I looked at labor as a sprint workout, on for 60 seconds, rest for three minutes, on for 60 seconds, rest for two minutes. Brett was my best coping tool. Just having him to lean against or to touch my shoulder or hips helped ease the pain tremendously. There is something so comforting about having the person you love there by your side as you are going through something so taxing.

As we walked though the grocery store we paused at the bakery, we paused in the meat section, we paused by the watermelons. I was very aware of the people around us until the contractions started, and then I didn't care. 

Brett told me afterwords that while in the meat section there was a man standing behind us trying to get a look at the ground beef. Instead of walking away as my contraction started he stood there awkwardly waiting for us to move. I had no idea he was even there, but Brett was pretty embarrassed when I leaned against him and started my "mother bear" / "Buddhist monk" moaning.

The contractions were definitely getting stronger. 

When we got home we dimmed the lights, turned on my labor mix, and got all our labor tools together (tennis balls, massage oil, candles, birth ball, etc.) I took a few hot showers, lounged around in my robe, and Brett helped me work through my contractions using the laboring positions we learned in our Brio class. My Mom was also there. She timed the contractions and brought us water and snacks as we needed them. She went out and picked up some delicious food from The Soup Kitchen. If Brett needed a quick break, she'd step in and rub my back or offer me water. She was a wonderful and perfect support.  

By midnight my contractions were incredibly strong and I was getting into that "labor land" state. I honestly don't remember much about this night, other than by around 1:00am we ended up back at the birth center. My contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and lasting over 70 seconds. When we got to The Birth Center, Becky checked my vitals and was confident that when she checked me I'd be at least a four by now. 

She checked me and we were all shocked. I was only dilated to a two. 

Becky told us we had a couple options. 

"First, you could stay at here at The Birth Center and labor through the night and the day tomorrow. You are in a great pattern here, you are definitely in labor. The downside to staying here is that you have been in labor for three days now and you haven't had a good night's rest in that time. That is a recipe for disaster. What we don't want is for you to be exhausted when it comes time to push."

"What's our other option?" Brett asked.

"I can give you morphine and a strong muscle relaxant to help you sleep tonight. We do this often for moms who need to sleep. Then you'll come back in the morning and we'll have this baby. You'll be able to sleep through the contractions tonight, but they will still be there, they'll just feel more mild. So you could go home and get 5-7 hours of sleep and when you come back in tomorrow morning you may even be dilated to a five."

Sleep sounded like a good plan to me. We talked through the pros and cons together. Becky stepped out of the room and Brett and I discussed our options. I was a bit hesitant to take any medication. I had never had any sort of sleeping med or pain med beyond an Ibuprofen. Brett reminded me that we had spent a lot of time picking the perfect care provider who we trusted completely who was very pro natural methods. We knew that if she recommended any sort of medication is was necessary. 

"If she thinks sleep is what you need most right now I think that we should listen to her." Brett said. 

I completely agreed. 

We gave Becky the go ahead. She readied the injection and explained to me what it would feel like.

"Now when I give this to you, it's going to start out feeling like a bee sting. Then it's going to feel like I'm giving you the worst blister you've ever had in your life. Then as the medication is getting into your system you'll feel a burning sensation."

I prepared myself, and she was exactly right. It was the oddest and most painful shot I'd ever had. When she finished I was told to lay there for a few minutes. The burning started at the injection site and then slowly spread through my body till my limbs felt warm and heavy. I don't remember exactly what I said, but sometime as the medication was spreading through my body I said something to the effect of, "Far out... so this is what using drugs must feel like."

"Now you two have about twenty minutes before it takes full effect. Do you have stairs at your house?"

"We live in a basement."

"Okay, Brett you will need to help her down the stairs. She's going to have a hard time staying balanced and she may be a bit out of it when you get home."

We got home, I don't remember the stairs but I am sure Brett had to half carry me down them because I remember my legs felt like lead. 

I lay down and almost fell asleep instantly, but not before I made an observation.

"Brett, tonight's the last night we'll just be us."

He smiled and gave me a kiss, and we both dreamed of holding our baby the next day. 

Little did we know we were only halfway there...

Coming Soon

Madeline's Birth Story: Part II

The Birth Center

Preface: Madeline's Birth Story

Just like my pregnancy was extra long, Madeline's labor and birth followed suit. It's going to take me a while to write the whole story, not just because I am still trying to process all six days of it, but because I have a precious newborn who is a lot more fun to be with than at the computer. So I'll write this story and post it in parts over the next few days between breastfeeding and nap sessions.

I'd like to preface this series of blog posts by saying that while my birth didn't go as planned, it was still an incredible experience that has left me feeling powerful beyond measure. 

Early on in the pregnancy, I decided I wanted to have a natural birth. The more research I did, the more Brett and I felt that it was the safest and best option for both me and the baby. I felt that it was a life changing and empowering experience that I wanted to have. I saw amazing videos of several peaceful water births and was incredibly intrigued. It was amazing to see birth in a such a peaceful light.

Here in Utah, water births are not offered in hospitals. So at 30 weeks of pregnancy I transferred to a birth center that offered water birth as an option.  I was so intrigued by the amazing midwives and support that The Birth Center had. I was also impressed by their < 5% cesarean section rate for their patients (considering the cesarean section rate in the United States is currently at a whopping 34%). We love everything about The Birth Center. It's the kind of place that you walk in and everyone knows you personally. They only accept up to ten patients per month of due date, so it is a very intimate group. The midwives are incredible, their views of pregnancy and birth were spot on with us, and there was a great sense of community there between all the moms.

Brett and I took an eight week long Brio Birth class where we learned all about birth, labor, and newborn care. We learned about laboring positions, the pros and cons of medical interventions, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, breastfeeding, nutrition, and planting your placenta in your yard. (Yes, Brett and I are quite a bit more granola than you'd expect.) We loved our small class of three couples and our incredible birth instructor Alyssa Bray.

We planned to have a completely intervention free water birth. No induction, no IV, no Pitocin, no epidural, no "purple pushing", no artificial rupturing of membranes (breaking the water), no episiotomy, no unnecessary ultrasounds, no continuous fetal monitoring, and no cesearean section.

We planned to welcome our baby girl in a calm and intimate environment, with dim lights, hushed voices, and a small group of care providers. We planned to have immediate skin to skin contact, delayed cord clamping, and either Brett or I would catch the baby.

The birth ended up being completely different than planned and I ended up with almost everything I didn't want. However, the medical interventions we chose to use were necessary to bring our little girl into this world. Though I am still mourning the loss of the natural water birth I had planned to have, I am so grateful for the medical technology that made it possible for me to have my baby.

Through this story, you will see that I had a unique opportunity to experience almost every different kind of labor/birth. My midwife jokes that I labored enough at home to have four babies, enough at the birth center to have three, and enough in the hospital to have two.

That's a lot of babies.


Click on the links below to read the story:

Madeline's Birth Story: Part I
Madeline's Birth Story: Part II
Madeline's Birth Story: Part III